This is my notebook

I wish I could write again, but every time I try to it's non poetic. The words don't make sense and the lines seems broken. Every word hanging onto the next one, but the sentences are already falling.

There is nothing beautiful in a heartbreak until the heart heals. & that takes time they say, but it's been four months since I've heard your voice or seen your face and my heart still jumps when someone says your name. There is nothing beautiful in feeling so low that you think the earth speaks to you because the wind begins to cary you. Because you're just fine and I'm buried underneath your shoes surrounded all around.

Cameras

I saw a picture of you today.


You were standing right by me and we had smiles on our faces that convinced us of a little forever.

After that I saw another picture, and then another. 

I guess you really were my everything back then. You were my future and my present. You were my world and I was only your ocean. You were my Friday night and my Saturday mornings. You were my favorite sound and my most feared reality. 

You were more than one picture, you were 20. You were the moments where I couldn't help but smile because you were beside me with your honey brown eyes, and your straight smile.

In that moment you were there and you weren't going anywhere. Neither of us were thinking of an ending, we were thinking of the right now. Right then we were happy. We were exchanging kisses and hugs. We were holding hands while laughing in the car. We were talking about infinity without the commitment. 

We never talked about heartbreak or the what if's because I was too scared. You knew that, and suddenly you brought up all the what if's and the heart break. You brought up every question along the way you held in. 

You were confused while I was convinced. I was sure while you were wondering. I was happy while you were content. I was in love while you were still deciding. 

You're the pain to my happiness

I can always remember your anniversary. But it isn't the anniversary between two people who are in love. Yours anniversary is another year that you aren't here living. Another year you're not breathing in this smokey air.

You're not the only death I remember, but you are the only anniversary.

I have had people in my life pass away, friends that were "close." & as awful as this sounds I forget their yearly death mark. I always forget the exact date they stopped breathing. Your day is different. You day is on my day. Your death is mourned on the same day that my birth is celebrated.

& there is always a point in the day where I look into dad's eyes and see pain instead of happiness. You were part of his everything.

I was raised with you when I was little. I used to tell myself I hated you growing up. The words came up randomly when I got frustrated, and I'm sorry. Maybe you passed away on my birthday to teach me how to love or maybe how to forgive. Either way you taught me something.

& I thank you for that.

IOU

Today I thought about you, but that fact isn't any different from yesterday and it won't be any different from tomorrow. But today I saw someone you knew in high school. I started to imagine a life with him. He was your same height and had blue eyes. He was your opposite. You were the color black and he was white. I started to imagine kissing him, and I realized I can see myself with someone else.

But every imagined forehead kiss my eyes would flinch. I compared them to yours. I imagined him squeezing me while he gave me a hug, and again I thought of you. I can find someone else bub, but the truth is I don't want to. I want your hands squeezing mine when we know we shouldn't be laughing. I want your dumb jokes when I am pissed off. I want your forehead kisses and your hugs forever.

Hello mister please to meet ya

I want to write you a love letter or a love story where the characters would be us, but instead I'll write you a letter that only reads sadness between the lines. I'll write you my goodbye.


Hey Bubby,



I want you to know I wish you the best, and I hope you get the wife you've always dreamed of. I hope you get to name your son Kyro and your daughter Ana. I want you to hear the words "I love you" everyday for eternity, and maybe even the words "te quiero" every morning. I hope you wake up with a smile on your face and not a knife in your back.


Bryce I hope you know you're going to be a great dad. Teach your kids how to wrestle (and how to twist them like a pretzel.) Remember to teach them to rinse their dishes after they eat because "that just will not do" otherwise.


Let them know about that amazing stat girl you had your senior year, and how her name was Emma. Tell them how you fell in love with her and how you said all the right things at all the wrong times.


I hope you still think about me, because I do. I hope you wonder how I'm doing, and I hope you realize that the answer isn't all that great lately. I hope you miss my body next to yours, and I hope you miss all the random smiles I would get on our car rides.


I just want you to know I wish you the best. I want you to know I smile when I look up at the sky and think of you. I was always so rarrr and you managed to look at me straight in the eyes with the words I love you leaving your mouth.


I love you.


Love,
Emmita

XOXO

I keep reading about the taste that his lips give her and I can't remember tasting your lips. But I can remember the feeling of your hands pressed against my skin when your lips finally intertwined with mine.

Poetry ♻︎ Broken Hearts

You would think that I would be able to write again with a broken heart, but even poetry is non exist. Lately all I do is lie to myself that I'm okay. I keep lying. You keep leaving.
I keep saying the words I love you as if I am going to get a reply, but you and I both know that you won't say it back. So I'll just keep whispering the words "I love you."

      At least for another 9 months because to you I don't exist and to me you are only a memory I keep trying to relive and visit.


I still love you though. I still think you are perfect for me. I still picture a future with you and little kids of our own. I still convince myself that this pain is necessary because most say that the heart breaks with a beautiful kind of pain, but this time there is nothing beautiful about it. This time is the second.
And the second time hurts worse than the first.
The last kiss might actually be the last, and more time is needed in allowing the heart to heal.


& today is only the 3rd day that I haven't had you, that you haven't been mine. I haven't been able to hug or kiss you. We haven't talked and I think I am starting to go crazy. Every day I will randomly picture your smile and imagine your forehead kisses and this "beautiful" kind of pain is the ugliest pain there ever was and ever will be. What is beautiful about being second when everyone is screaming that I should be first? I tell myself second isn't that bad. Second is only one away from first. At least I wasn't third or fourth because that's when I would start to wonder, but I guess I have already started to wonder.

I guess I've already started to wonder if you're worth it because everyone keeps telling me you're not.

Falling in love is a choice

The truth is, we fall in love by choice. But I never wanted to Bryce. I never once told myself that we would have happened before the day I kissed you. I don't know why I kissed you, I don't know why I fell in love with you.


I can promise you that I never wanted to. I told myself to hate you. I told myself that once you mess up you can never change. I always would lie to you saying I had something, every time you asked me on a date. I don't know why I decided to say yes to one, but eventually I did. We went somewhere that wasn't fancy, someone called it ghetto. The truth is that night I realized I would miss you if you just decided to leave. I would have actually cared if you were to disappear off the face of this earth. I could feel myself starting to like you and I tried everything to convince myself those feelings weren't real. I didn't want to fall in love with you but I did. It wasn't by choice, and I can promise you that. I never wanted this Bryce.



I never wanted to fall in love. I really didn't. I wanted my life with your best friend. I wanted that to work out and I wanted that to be perfect. I wanted someone who didn't show me every day that he actually cared. I wanted someone who couldn't decide what he wanted day by day. I told myself I wanted a cowboy. I wanted someone who wanted to live in the middle of nowhere with cows and horses. I told myself that we needed to work out because the truth is I couldn't handle another heart break. I didn't want to feel ripped apart inside so I convinced myself I would have been happy. What's so bad about pigs and horses after all? I never wanted "Bryce and Emma" I wanted your name to be his. I don't know what made me change my mind. I remember our first date though. You were adorable and you kept touching me up and down. It made my whole body tense. I told myself I didn't like it, but after you stopped I realized I loved it. I wanted you to grab me and kiss me. I didn't care about him at that moment. I didn't want his arm around me, I wanted yours. I wanted you to look at me, tilt your head, and just smile.


I never wanted this,
     but it happened.

Dear Sweetheart

"Everyone doubts who they really love."

I keep wondering if this is right. Not because I wonder if he isn't right for me, but because I wonder if he will ever be able to love me again. I am starting to feel sad again. I am starting to worry again. I make up scenarios in my head wondering if this happened or maybe that.

I love you. Don't doubt that.

But I am sure you do. I kind of hope you do.
But because of you I can't write poetry anymore. I'm confused about whether I am happy or sad. You confuse me, and I'm starting to confuse myself.

Somethings you think but never say

Here is your Christmas present. I want you to put it on every time you feel like you're falling in love. Then I want you to remember you can't because you're too afraid and too scared to let go of her. I want you to look at it and realize how many hearts you've broke before she's finally broken yours.

Farewell

I was in a dark purple dress. I had black tights and black wedges on. The dress was short and I decided to straighten my hair.

You had on a grey sweater. You were wearing a white shirt underneath with a goofy Christmas tie. You gave me butterflies every time we made eye contact.

I wanted to say I love you but you were across the room and for a second I forgot you weren't mine anymore. I forgot about how I couldn't hold your hand and how I couldn't hug you just because I wanted to. Man you looked good.

& I'm always bad at poetry once I'm happy. But you kissed me. First you said I hate you though. You were smiling while you said it and laughing a little. Then you touched me like you used to. Placing your hands in perfect positions and making me remember what it feels like to really love and not just dream. My stomach dropped and I looked at you then looked back down. My forehead was on your chin and you kissed my head and I missed every I love you we ever shared. I was happy again. I couldn't hide my smile, even though I wanted to. I wanted to scream to the world I love you but instead we exchanged I like you's.

I love you Bryce

& this is my way of screaming it to the world.

Love: an intense feeling of deep affection

I was thinking back to the day you smiled at me, then looked up and looked back down. It was the day you said "Babe I love you."

I went back to the exact same spot the other day. I went with a couple of friends and my brother. It wasn't the same, if you were wondering. I closed my eyes for a second and imagined you there. I thought back to how the night seemed so perfect and how my stomach dropped because I imagined you on one knee. I just kissed you and you smiled.

I never said it back right away, but I said it back when you were dropping me off. You looked me in the eye and said something you wanted for your kids. I remember just grabbing the sides of your faces and saying "I freaking love you."

And incase you were wondering, ever "I love you" I meant. Ever kiss made me smile. Every hug made me want it forever.

This is a note for the next one.

He loves when you hold his right hand with your left. He loves to interlock his fingers with yours. He loves when you kiss him first and when you kiss his ear. He loves when you smile at him. He loves kids. He loves the idea of being a dad. He loves the stars. & he loves his music. He loves even numbers and multiples of 5. He loves Mountain Dew. He loves when you hug him back and he loves when you trace his lips with your fingers. He loves you.

November 26th 2013

We saw each other the other night and you tried to kiss me but I pushed you away and I am sorry. I regret it. What if things would of been "us" right now rather than just "me" and "you."

I am sorry Bryce. I'm sorry for not letting you hold my hand and not letting you hug me. I'm sorry for saying I hate you. I didn't mean it. I promise I love you and I promise I want you in my life. I want you forever. Gosh, I don't know why I was so stupid that night. I didn't mean it when I said I hate you. 

Bryce "I say I hate you because I know how much I love you."

I guess you could say I miss him.

What do you miss about him?

Well, I miss all his stupid tantrums. I miss his smile. I miss his hands in mine. I miss the way he hugged me. I miss all the teasing. I miss the idea of infinite. Oh, and I miss all his kisses. I miss the way he would sing and sometimes get the lyrics wrong. I miss looking at him and just thinking "Wow, I love him." I miss everything about him.

Is wasn't that simple

"But Emma do you love him?"
The answer was simple, yes. Yes, of course I love him.

I love his dark skin that seems perfect when it's next to mine.
I love his rough hands.
I love how he would grab me.
I love his unique whistle that helped me fall in love.
I love him.
I love his kisses and how they made me believe that this was right.
I love the way he looks at me.
I love when he smiles for, what seems to be, absolutely no reason.
I love his lips and how they would touch my lips, my forehead, and my hands.
I love him.
I love the random surprises.
I love his beard.
I love his dark hair that was so easy to play with.

"Yes."

Come here Emma.

I thought I heard your whistle the other day. & for some reason it reminded me of how much I love you. It's the whistle that no one would think twice about, but it's the one that makes my heart stop. You used it to get my attention like when I was across the store lost in all the options I had. Sometimes you just wanted me to look up at you, or when you wanted to see me smile. It's the sound that plays over and over again in the back of my mind. It's a whistle that helped me fall in love with you, kind of like your laugh. I swear I hear both somedays and it kills me to look up and realize you're not there.

I loved you yesterday. I love you today. & I will love you tomorrow.

I want to write you the best love poem.

I want to kiss your body.

I want to make you proud.

I want you to miss me. 

I want "you and me" to last forever but it doesn't even exist anymore.

I want you to realize that I have thought about you everyday since our heads got too confused and we decided to end it. 

I want you to know that a girl who is 5 foot 2 loves you.

I want you to look into my eyes the way the annoying couple walking down the hall holding hands do.

I want your love. 

I want your darkly colored skin holding my hands. 

I want your lips in mine.

November 25th 2013

I decided to see him yesterday. It was amazing and terrible. I wanted to ask him why it had to end. We still miss each other, we still care about each other. It is stupid really. I was only suppose to go with big bird no one else was suppose to come along, but I guess he was already with him. I told myself to just do it, go for it. Hang out with him and things will be fine, I could't look him in the eyes much. I didn't want to look him in the eyes. I wanted to just kiss him and smile in between.

We went to go grab food. When I saw him I wasn't hungry anymore. I only wanted lemonade and he said, "You always want lemonade." He gave me his cup and I filled it up with lemonade, but for some reason I hated this lemonade. I tried to be as normal as I could. We went to a store after. He tried on a shirt and I loved it on him, and at that exact moment I thought of us kissing. I don't know why I would think that though. We both know it wouldn't have happened.

(2) Facebook

He is talking to me again. I don't know why, but he is. I can't tell if he misses me or if he just needs someone to fill the hole I did before. Right now my heart keeps dropping because we are online and I can't have this whole "friends" thing. I don't know what to say. Do I try and make him miss me or do I act like a brat because I am trying to hide my feelings?