November 25th 2013

I decided to see him yesterday. It was amazing and terrible. I wanted to ask him why it had to end. We still miss each other, we still care about each other. It is stupid really. I was only suppose to go with big bird no one else was suppose to come along, but I guess he was already with him. I told myself to just do it, go for it. Hang out with him and things will be fine, I could't look him in the eyes much. I didn't want to look him in the eyes. I wanted to just kiss him and smile in between.

We went to go grab food. When I saw him I wasn't hungry anymore. I only wanted lemonade and he said, "You always want lemonade." He gave me his cup and I filled it up with lemonade, but for some reason I hated this lemonade. I tried to be as normal as I could. We went to a store after. He tried on a shirt and I loved it on him, and at that exact moment I thought of us kissing. I don't know why I would think that though. We both know it wouldn't have happened.

(2) Facebook

He is talking to me again. I don't know why, but he is. I can't tell if he misses me or if he just needs someone to fill the hole I did before. Right now my heart keeps dropping because we are online and I can't have this whole "friends" thing. I don't know what to say. Do I try and make him miss me or do I act like a brat because I am trying to hide my feelings?

♡

The other day someone asked me if I missed you. I smiled then looked back and answered yes.

Depression with a happy girl.

& then we'll be sitting on the beach and he will turn to me. & I don't know if he will mean it, but he'll whisper he loves me. & I will look at him and I'll hope that "us" will last forever, but I won't say the three words back because I'll just be listening.

Listening to all the waves and the lies people keep telling me. & so then I'll just kiss him without saying a word. I'll look into his eyes where they say it's the window to someone souls. & I'll have to remind myself that there was nothing. & how there will always be absolutely nothing.

Bubble wrap and heartbreak.

Because you will tell yourself your only goal is to try and figure her out. You'll tell her all you want is to see her smile. But once you're done poking all her bubbles you'll figure her out. & move onto the next one.
Because what's the point of the bubble wrap when you've already popped the bubbles.

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I have never seen his bad side, but

I have seen his grumpy nights where all I can do is kiss him. I have seen his gross after work days where he has been sweating for 8 hours and I would kiss his body if I could.


I want us to be forever. I want to look at you and you kiss me with the knowledge of infinity. We would start a family and we would name our son Kyro. You always loved that name. I want Leo, but maybe we can have two boys or 7 with 9 girls. We would think of the names together because before we started dating you said you wanted to help with naming your kids.


I want you forever but sometimes my mind wonders if I deserve you.

The bird's conversation

"I hate you."

"Why?"

"Because ever since you told me Emma misses me I can't stop thinking about her."