Falling in love is a choice

The truth is, we fall in love by choice. But I never wanted to Bryce. I never once told myself that we would have happened before the day I kissed you. I don't know why I kissed you, I don't know why I fell in love with you.


I can promise you that I never wanted to. I told myself to hate you. I told myself that once you mess up you can never change. I always would lie to you saying I had something, every time you asked me on a date. I don't know why I decided to say yes to one, but eventually I did. We went somewhere that wasn't fancy, someone called it ghetto. The truth is that night I realized I would miss you if you just decided to leave. I would have actually cared if you were to disappear off the face of this earth. I could feel myself starting to like you and I tried everything to convince myself those feelings weren't real. I didn't want to fall in love with you but I did. It wasn't by choice, and I can promise you that. I never wanted this Bryce.



I never wanted to fall in love. I really didn't. I wanted my life with your best friend. I wanted that to work out and I wanted that to be perfect. I wanted someone who didn't show me every day that he actually cared. I wanted someone who couldn't decide what he wanted day by day. I told myself I wanted a cowboy. I wanted someone who wanted to live in the middle of nowhere with cows and horses. I told myself that we needed to work out because the truth is I couldn't handle another heart break. I didn't want to feel ripped apart inside so I convinced myself I would have been happy. What's so bad about pigs and horses after all? I never wanted "Bryce and Emma" I wanted your name to be his. I don't know what made me change my mind. I remember our first date though. You were adorable and you kept touching me up and down. It made my whole body tense. I told myself I didn't like it, but after you stopped I realized I loved it. I wanted you to grab me and kiss me. I didn't care about him at that moment. I didn't want his arm around me, I wanted yours. I wanted you to look at me, tilt your head, and just smile.


I never wanted this,
     but it happened.

Dear Sweetheart

"Everyone doubts who they really love."

I keep wondering if this is right. Not because I wonder if he isn't right for me, but because I wonder if he will ever be able to love me again. I am starting to feel sad again. I am starting to worry again. I make up scenarios in my head wondering if this happened or maybe that.

I love you. Don't doubt that.

But I am sure you do. I kind of hope you do.
But because of you I can't write poetry anymore. I'm confused about whether I am happy or sad. You confuse me, and I'm starting to confuse myself.

Somethings you think but never say

Here is your Christmas present. I want you to put it on every time you feel like you're falling in love. Then I want you to remember you can't because you're too afraid and too scared to let go of her. I want you to look at it and realize how many hearts you've broke before she's finally broken yours.

Farewell

I was in a dark purple dress. I had black tights and black wedges on. The dress was short and I decided to straighten my hair.

You had on a grey sweater. You were wearing a white shirt underneath with a goofy Christmas tie. You gave me butterflies every time we made eye contact.

I wanted to say I love you but you were across the room and for a second I forgot you weren't mine anymore. I forgot about how I couldn't hold your hand and how I couldn't hug you just because I wanted to. Man you looked good.

& I'm always bad at poetry once I'm happy. But you kissed me. First you said I hate you though. You were smiling while you said it and laughing a little. Then you touched me like you used to. Placing your hands in perfect positions and making me remember what it feels like to really love and not just dream. My stomach dropped and I looked at you then looked back down. My forehead was on your chin and you kissed my head and I missed every I love you we ever shared. I was happy again. I couldn't hide my smile, even though I wanted to. I wanted to scream to the world I love you but instead we exchanged I like you's.

I love you Bryce

& this is my way of screaming it to the world.

Love: an intense feeling of deep affection

I was thinking back to the day you smiled at me, then looked up and looked back down. It was the day you said "Babe I love you."

I went back to the exact same spot the other day. I went with a couple of friends and my brother. It wasn't the same, if you were wondering. I closed my eyes for a second and imagined you there. I thought back to how the night seemed so perfect and how my stomach dropped because I imagined you on one knee. I just kissed you and you smiled.

I never said it back right away, but I said it back when you were dropping me off. You looked me in the eye and said something you wanted for your kids. I remember just grabbing the sides of your faces and saying "I freaking love you."

And incase you were wondering, ever "I love you" I meant. Ever kiss made me smile. Every hug made me want it forever.

This is a note for the next one.

He loves when you hold his right hand with your left. He loves to interlock his fingers with yours. He loves when you kiss him first and when you kiss his ear. He loves when you smile at him. He loves kids. He loves the idea of being a dad. He loves the stars. & he loves his music. He loves even numbers and multiples of 5. He loves Mountain Dew. He loves when you hug him back and he loves when you trace his lips with your fingers. He loves you.

November 26th 2013

We saw each other the other night and you tried to kiss me but I pushed you away and I am sorry. I regret it. What if things would of been "us" right now rather than just "me" and "you."

I am sorry Bryce. I'm sorry for not letting you hold my hand and not letting you hug me. I'm sorry for saying I hate you. I didn't mean it. I promise I love you and I promise I want you in my life. I want you forever. Gosh, I don't know why I was so stupid that night. I didn't mean it when I said I hate you. 

Bryce "I say I hate you because I know how much I love you."