Somethings you think but never say

Here is your Christmas present. I want you to put it on every time you feel like you're falling in love. Then I want you to remember you can't because you're too afraid and too scared to let go of her. I want you to look at it and realize how many hearts you've broke before she's finally broken yours.

Farewell

I was in a dark purple dress. I had black tights and black wedges on. The dress was short and I decided to straighten my hair.

You had on a grey sweater. You were wearing a white shirt underneath with a goofy Christmas tie. You gave me butterflies every time we made eye contact.

I wanted to say I love you but you were across the room and for a second I forgot you weren't mine anymore. I forgot about how I couldn't hold your hand and how I couldn't hug you just because I wanted to. Man you looked good.

& I'm always bad at poetry once I'm happy. But you kissed me. First you said I hate you though. You were smiling while you said it and laughing a little. Then you touched me like you used to. Placing your hands in perfect positions and making me remember what it feels like to really love and not just dream. My stomach dropped and I looked at you then looked back down. My forehead was on your chin and you kissed my head and I missed every I love you we ever shared. I was happy again. I couldn't hide my smile, even though I wanted to. I wanted to scream to the world I love you but instead we exchanged I like you's.

I love you Bryce

& this is my way of screaming it to the world.

Love: an intense feeling of deep affection

I was thinking back to the day you smiled at me, then looked up and looked back down. It was the day you said "Babe I love you."

I went back to the exact same spot the other day. I went with a couple of friends and my brother. It wasn't the same, if you were wondering. I closed my eyes for a second and imagined you there. I thought back to how the night seemed so perfect and how my stomach dropped because I imagined you on one knee. I just kissed you and you smiled.

I never said it back right away, but I said it back when you were dropping me off. You looked me in the eye and said something you wanted for your kids. I remember just grabbing the sides of your faces and saying "I freaking love you."

And incase you were wondering, ever "I love you" I meant. Ever kiss made me smile. Every hug made me want it forever.

This is a note for the next one.

He loves when you hold his right hand with your left. He loves to interlock his fingers with yours. He loves when you kiss him first and when you kiss his ear. He loves when you smile at him. He loves kids. He loves the idea of being a dad. He loves the stars. & he loves his music. He loves even numbers and multiples of 5. He loves Mountain Dew. He loves when you hug him back and he loves when you trace his lips with your fingers. He loves you.

November 26th 2013

We saw each other the other night and you tried to kiss me but I pushed you away and I am sorry. I regret it. What if things would of been "us" right now rather than just "me" and "you."

I am sorry Bryce. I'm sorry for not letting you hold my hand and not letting you hug me. I'm sorry for saying I hate you. I didn't mean it. I promise I love you and I promise I want you in my life. I want you forever. Gosh, I don't know why I was so stupid that night. I didn't mean it when I said I hate you. 

Bryce "I say I hate you because I know how much I love you."

I guess you could say I miss him.

What do you miss about him?

Well, I miss all his stupid tantrums. I miss his smile. I miss his hands in mine. I miss the way he hugged me. I miss all the teasing. I miss the idea of infinite. Oh, and I miss all his kisses. I miss the way he would sing and sometimes get the lyrics wrong. I miss looking at him and just thinking "Wow, I love him." I miss everything about him.

Is wasn't that simple

"But Emma do you love him?"
The answer was simple, yes. Yes, of course I love him.

I love his dark skin that seems perfect when it's next to mine.
I love his rough hands.
I love how he would grab me.
I love his unique whistle that helped me fall in love.
I love him.
I love his kisses and how they made me believe that this was right.
I love the way he looks at me.
I love when he smiles for, what seems to be, absolutely no reason.
I love his lips and how they would touch my lips, my forehead, and my hands.
I love him.
I love the random surprises.
I love his beard.
I love his dark hair that was so easy to play with.

"Yes."

Come here Emma.

I thought I heard your whistle the other day. & for some reason it reminded me of how much I love you. It's the whistle that no one would think twice about, but it's the one that makes my heart stop. You used it to get my attention like when I was across the store lost in all the options I had. Sometimes you just wanted me to look up at you, or when you wanted to see me smile. It's the sound that plays over and over again in the back of my mind. It's a whistle that helped me fall in love with you, kind of like your laugh. I swear I hear both somedays and it kills me to look up and realize you're not there.

I loved you yesterday. I love you today. & I will love you tomorrow.

I want to write you the best love poem.

I want to kiss your body.

I want to make you proud.

I want you to miss me. 

I want "you and me" to last forever but it doesn't even exist anymore.

I want you to realize that I have thought about you everyday since our heads got too confused and we decided to end it. 

I want you to know that a girl who is 5 foot 2 loves you.

I want you to look into my eyes the way the annoying couple walking down the hall holding hands do.

I want your love. 

I want your darkly colored skin holding my hands. 

I want your lips in mine.