Like crazy

I'm thinking about you like crazy.

     24/7 and you're always on my mind.
I'm thinking about you like erasers think about mistakes, even though to me you're perfect.
Like these poems think about ending.
Like life thinks about death
     and death thinks about life.

I'm thinking about you like these floors think about people walking all over them.
Like coffee thinks about chocolate.

I'm thinking about you like I should be thinking about this test, but instead I keep thinking about you.
Thinking about you like potters think about every hand movement.

& then I start thinking about how I used to hold your hand.
Thinking about last winter and how we were young together. 
I am not only thinking about you but all the times we had together. 
The kiss on the forehead that meant everything to me when I felt alone.

I think about every time you made my heart race.

I'm thinking about you like these words think about their author.
& like the end of the page thinks about being flipped.



That's how I'm thinking about you.

How you matter to me & How you don't

To sum it all up, I hate you.
I loathe you somedays.
I hate how sometimes I feel like your shadow.
Making everything I ever cared about seem normal.
Like it's the easiest thing in the world.
I just want to tell you that I don't want to think and worry about you.
I don't want to care about your opinion.
I just want to be real with myself and spill out a couple of lines that are 100% true 100% honest and 100% real.

"I'm sorry remind me your name?"

Remind you?
I never told you.
I never even bothered to glance up.

Why is it that my name defines who I am and where I came from. Why should it define what reputations I had, or now have.

Within the first five second you have already made a judgement; just by the way I stood there. By my clothes. My hair. Trying to judge if I am a just another "copy."
 
Maybe this whole thing about "being different" is just being a copy from the first person who was the real original.
Maybe being a copy is the new original.

Maybe "being different" really should make a teacher, or a student, want to learn more.
Maybe being them isn't just about wearing "different" clothes.
Maybe there really is something crazy and unique about them.
Maybe they know how to put words in all the right places.
Maybe they are the creative ones thinking about the way we go day by day differently.
Maybe they're the kids who never let their mind get ruined by the rules of society.

Like the dogs have collars

"GO AHEAD AND RELEASE YOUR FEARS"

I'm afraid that in this class I will lose myself,
because I want to be noticed, because I want to be acknowledged.
I'm afraid of trying to be like someone else.
I'm afraid that there will be more days where being "me" isn't good enough.
I'm afraid of one day waking up and having no one there beside me.
I'm afraid of waking up to a world that's been destroyed
      maybe they were all tourists.
 
I'm afraid of becoming a tourist.
I'm afraid that one day I'll reach perfect, and have nothing to strive for.
I'm afraid of perfection. It's the thing that eats my stomach inside.

I'm afraid that after this semester this blog with be nothing more than an online journal that only me, myself, and I will read. Maybe that would be best though; if in the end I will be the only one reading why care about someone's acknowledgements.

I'm afraid that in 2 years my name will already be forgotten.

I'm afraid that all this effort will go to waste.


I'm afraid I have fears like the dogs have collars.
& like the ants have hills.

Shut up & listen

I am confused in this world, in this class, with these people.

These people who apparently know nothing about respect. The people who think being loud and never stopping is the "hip" thing to do, but I guess we weren't all raised the same. I guess--I know that I am different than you and you. 

You being the ones I hate the most. The ones I wish were never here. The ones that make me angry and bitter. Making me frustrated by hearing all those voices whispering while one person is trying to stand up and talk. The people helping me get anxiety inside and having to tell myself to calm down and stop. Stop the way I tense up when I am dying to scream SHUT UP. & all I can do is try my best to block them out, but even when I try I'll still see those things looking straight at me poking me minute by minute.. bugging me about things I never cared about. In the end I am just confused.

Love?

Tell me again why love can't exsist while we are young.
Tell me how I never understood what I understand now.

You can't compare my love to your love.
You can't say I didn't really love him when that was all I knew as a kid about the word and emotion.

Love was the feeling you got in your stomach when he looked at you.
Love was knowing you would marry him during recess and hold hands together the rest of the day.
Love was and is different for every age.
Love grows over time.

& don't tell me I can't say I love you
& don't tell me it can't be
Because I'll love you with all I can and that all I can is real.

Losers

The people in front of the class eager to learn
The people who sit in the library to study or to read
The people who don't socialize much
The people who need to hear the same things twice
The people who make sure they can see the board
     Only for the notes in the class

But these losers will go somewhere in life
These losers will become something
& will be great at it
These are the losers who didn't lose anything but the realness of what you thought of them
These are the losers who never get enough credit
Who never see too many second chances for 'first' impressions
Here's to the losers
Who aren't really losing at all

What I am too afraid to accept

I know I'm human by the way my stomach drops
     The way it drops because I look up & you're still there
By the way I cried just yesterday
How I had a heart to heart with someone I've only known for 2 weeks
2 weeks and he already understood me
I know I'm something more than just a machine by the way I get "butterflies"
How I have a different output for every input
Because I need to advance to survive
I know I am human
Because I can succeed beyond what you think of me