I refuse to be Pinocchio with the giant nose

I won't lie anymore...
I miss him and some nights all I want is his body laying next to mine. Just fall asleep with me. We wouldn't go to second base of third. We would fall asleep looking at each others eyes, wanting this forever.

I just want you. I want to stop thinking about you because I think about you like crazy. When I walk down the halls I think about your hand in mine and us walking down the hall together, I convinced myself one day it would happen. I tell myself that I hate you, but you can only hate someone when you love them.

I wish we could start over because even though I don't regret ever falling for you I regret being with you.

I am sorry for all the sad days you had and for all the days I made them even worse. I hope you convinced yourself I wasn't all that bad, I hope you still are trying to convice yourself you forgot about her and that you only want to spend forever with me. That wouldn't be fair to us though. Not for you or me.

I just miss you & I miss all the stupid love songs you would sing to me in the car. I miss the random surprises that would get my heart racing. I miss the butterflies in my stomach when you would kiss me anywhere other than my lips.

But the world keeps telling me it will all be alright and I keep trusting it.

They'll tell you "you'll know"

I asked my boss today how she knew she was in love. & she said as cliche as this sounds, when you know. You know. It is when you can't go 5 seconds without them because you want them with you forever.

I didn't know what to say and she looked at me and said Em, you'll know.

But then I thought about it. What if every person thought they knew because in that moment they felt like they wanted each other forever. Only in that moment though, because only later on in life you realize that you were too dumb or too naive to understand. I will convince myself into love. I will tell myself that happiness can exist with anyone. It is something I think I will always believe, so when will I know. When will the heartbreaks stop happening and the life together begin. I don't understand how a person knows what love is when they've never felt heartbreak. How do you know you're in love. Because you got that feeling of I know "I know." You could be wrong. We all could be. I could be happy with him. I could have a fairytale life and to me it would be the happiness I always wanted  because how would I know otherwise?


How would you know that you didn't know because you think you're in love. I thought I was. I told myself I would scream it to the world if I could. I would yell at the top of my lungs that I loved you, but did I? Because everyone keeps telling me that when you question love, you never felt it. But I thought I did. I thought I wanted this forever. I know I wanted it forever.


but

My mind is beginning to ask itself "is love something that people really feel or is it an idea our minds create"

I keep telling myself to smile

I don't know what "happiness" is anymore.

College changed all the real smiles I used to give to people. 

I don't know what happened or why it changed so much, but it did.

I cry more than all of middle school combined, that's easy though. I told myself to never cry in front of anyone only if you really had to when I was younger. I was so afraid to, but now everyday my mom will ask me if I'm okay. & I'll always answer yes but I never mean it. I don't know how to be happy for myself right now and I am not comfortable with the idea of complete happiness.


It isn't society that is killing me. It's myself.

"I hope one day you can look at me and say the words I love you and mean it 100%"

I guess I'll stop pretending that I never fell for you.


Because we both know I did. The long car rides to that one song that we both loved on our first date. Take me Higher. The same song we listened to heading back home from Park City. I remember catching you looking at me and you didn't say anything you just pushed my hand on your lips and kissed it. You were driving and you didn't care if you weren't looking at the road because you "could look at that smile forever."
 Then you smiled and it wasn't some cliche smile you give to the camera when the photographer tells you to say cheese, it was one where I thought you felt the same. It's how I fell in love. Through the car rides and having the music playing at volume 30, because you couldn't stand the 1's the 3's or the 7's and 9's. The music wasn't getting louder but it was getting deeper. The words you said was what I wanted forever, but everyone kept telling me it was too soon.

I didn't care. I didn't listen.

I fell in love with you and then you said the words I always wanted to hear.




"Babe. I love you."




& at that moment I couldn't say it back. I waited to let you know, and then we waited to cut it off. I don't regret ever falling for you though. You made me feel like I was on cloud nine. The way you would whistle and just push my hair back. How you would always buy me lemonade because you knew I loved it, I still don't know why I love it so much. I will always love the way you would grab my face when you were about to kiss me. I will always love the ability to say I have kissed in the rain and not the snow this time.
"Do you remember what you said about hating the rain on our first date?"
"No..."
"You said you always hated how it would rain because you had no one to kiss."

Then we were outside and it wasn't pouring but at that moment I didn't care because you kissed me and I knew exactly why you did at that moment.






"What do you love about me?"
"I love that you love me."

"Hey QT"

I want to forget about the way you smiled right before you kissed me. The way you would look at me and your face would light up for no reason it seemed. You always said you hated smiling and that you never would, but you always did without ever realizing. At the park when we were on the bench, in the middle of a car ride when we were holding hands, across the store when I was so indecisive on what shirt would look good and what type of candy I wanted. 

Thank you for everything.

Math and Beauty

I wonder if people look at me and every think oh, she's beautiful. I wonder if one day I will meet a man and he will be speechless because he hasn't ever seen anyone like me. I want someone to have the first impression of wow, she is beautiful, maybe even flawless but I know that is pushing the limits to a one sided function.

Function.

Math.

I wish someone would actually care for intelligence. I know how to find the volume of a rotating solid and somehow in high school the dumb ones are the most wanted, and the "I will actually be someone" are never noticed. The ones with the imperfect face and the ones with the eyes just perfect distance apart. Why is "beautiful" a gap between your legs.  & no it can't be a centimeter apart it has to be 1 inch and 4.67 cm.

I will always hate how "beautiful" is society's own equation that can't be defined.

It was a little thing called Cancer

"Sorry if I get emotional..."
     In my heart I snickered.
     I didn't understand why she said it or why it would ever mean that much, but then she poured out her heart... She let us know that she lost her best friend that year. It wasn't because of a drug overdose or a suicidal call.
It was this little thing they called cancer.
No one really understood why it happened or what the cause was. Some people wondered if the bruises her daddy gave her clogged up her system. There were rumours it was the drugs she did in her car inbetween 1st and 2nd. No one really knew what cancer was so they made their own diagnostics. I wish they knew it was were the white cells get attacked by the red cells.

Beautiful

He said, "I'm sorry little child, you're always going to be beautiful."

Love isn't real.

I am suppose to be thinking about him.
     but I was thinking about you yet I was dreaming about him.


"The brain plays tricks when it comes to love."

Sorry

The truth is, even if you try your hardest or your best you still won't always make it.

You still might end up never reaching your own bar of perfect. 

"I want someone to break your heart, but I hope someone else fixes it."

I have papers scattered around my room and inside my head. They're things that actually mean something. Like that one song I listened to while falling in love with you. The two lines that someone would call pointless but others would call poetry. 

I don't know how to write anymore. I don't know how to live or how to love. Do we always have to go through the heartbreak. I never remember wanting this. I never wanted to fall in love with you but you are the one who pushed it, the one who said "I love you" first.

I kissed you first,

        but you kissed me back. 

I think you gave the first hug. 

You initiated the first conversation. 

You made me fall in love when I didn't want to. 

Darling, you're eyes are made up of sadness.

Right now at this very moment I don't want to say that I'm living.
I want the world to think that I am gone.
I don't want to say that I am alive through the biggest heartbreak, but it is weird because he didn't really end it.

All he did was tell me he still loves her but at the same time can look me in the eye and say that he loves me.



He'll look at me.



Then he'll smile.



& say Emma I love you, but how can someone love two people the same way?
Love isn't suppose to make you believe you're happy.
Love makes you happy.
& if I died right now I know life would go on for the people who love me.


Life always goes on for others.