November 25th 2013

I decided to see him yesterday. It was amazing and terrible. I wanted to ask him why it had to end. We still miss each other, we still care about each other. It is stupid really. I was only suppose to go with big bird no one else was suppose to come along, but I guess he was already with him. I told myself to just do it, go for it. Hang out with him and things will be fine, I could't look him in the eyes much. I didn't want to look him in the eyes. I wanted to just kiss him and smile in between.

We went to go grab food. When I saw him I wasn't hungry anymore. I only wanted lemonade and he said, "You always want lemonade." He gave me his cup and I filled it up with lemonade, but for some reason I hated this lemonade. I tried to be as normal as I could. We went to a store after. He tried on a shirt and I loved it on him, and at that exact moment I thought of us kissing. I don't know why I would think that though. We both know it wouldn't have happened.

(2) Facebook

He is talking to me again. I don't know why, but he is. I can't tell if he misses me or if he just needs someone to fill the hole I did before. Right now my heart keeps dropping because we are online and I can't have this whole "friends" thing. I don't know what to say. Do I try and make him miss me or do I act like a brat because I am trying to hide my feelings?

♡

The other day someone asked me if I missed you. I smiled then looked back and answered yes.

Depression with a happy girl.

& then we'll be sitting on the beach and he will turn to me. & I don't know if he will mean it, but he'll whisper he loves me. & I will look at him and I'll hope that "us" will last forever, but I won't say the three words back because I'll just be listening.

Listening to all the waves and the lies people keep telling me. & so then I'll just kiss him without saying a word. I'll look into his eyes where they say it's the window to someone souls. & I'll have to remind myself that there was nothing. & how there will always be absolutely nothing.

Bubble wrap and heartbreak.

Because you will tell yourself your only goal is to try and figure her out. You'll tell her all you want is to see her smile. But once you're done poking all her bubbles you'll figure her out. & move onto the next one.
Because what's the point of the bubble wrap when you've already popped the bubbles.

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I have never seen his bad side, but

I have seen his grumpy nights where all I can do is kiss him. I have seen his gross after work days where he has been sweating for 8 hours and I would kiss his body if I could.


I want us to be forever. I want to look at you and you kiss me with the knowledge of infinity. We would start a family and we would name our son Kyro. You always loved that name. I want Leo, but maybe we can have two boys or 7 with 9 girls. We would think of the names together because before we started dating you said you wanted to help with naming your kids.


I want you forever but sometimes my mind wonders if I deserve you.

The bird's conversation

"I hate you."

"Why?"

"Because ever since you told me Emma misses me I can't stop thinking about her."

++++

I opened my eyes when I kissed you.

KBB

& as sad as this sounds, I still wear a ring around my finger. The one on the left hand that means something to most people.

I take it off every night to remind myself of the nights we used to kiss goodbye, and I put it on every morning to remind myself that it didn't happen.

"There is only one piece left to finish the puzzle"

And then I started talking to her like she was my own mother but she wasn't because I knew she would never feed me food out of a bottle. She wouldn't hug me while I was crying, but I had to hear her. I had to listen to her because every time I talked to her it was like she knew all the answers.

& the next thing she said was "he can't miss you if you are right in front of them." My mind started working and my heart stopped. I didn't want to think about him, I didn't want to think that there is a chance he is thinking about me too. I would be better off thinking he hates me. It's how I have always been, and people can't understand it. 

But she was right and I couldn't deny it. I wanted him to miss me. I wanted her to experience all this for me because she always seem to know what to tell me. I wanted to have him see me one day at the mall unexpectedly and I wanted him to miss me. I wanted him to fall in love with me again. I wanted to see him and have him want just me and no one else. 

& then that night he decides to talk to me. How can I make him miss me if I am the one who can't stop missing him.

I can't make you miss me. I don't know how to because every time we get the chance to talk I act moody and I can't help it because it is the only way to hide my emotions. I don't want you to see my face because I don't feel comfortable in feeling beautiful. Am I suppose to tell you how I feel or am I suppose to pretend nothing ever happened between us.

"Tell me how to make him miss me?"

But I only asked the question in my head this time because I was too scared of what the answer might be. I am better off not knowing and people can't understand that.

This is the letter

I am convinced we will get back together.




& when we do I will show you all the things I wrote about that was describing you. I will show you that this whole time I was still stuck on you. I will let you read all about my heart breaking inside and about all the confusion I had with the word love. I will let you understand everything. I will let you know that I still haven't been on one date, it has been 1 month though. I still think about you all the time. I wish to talk to you almost every day. & when I finally do, I want you to believe I am mad at you. I still don't understand why I always want that. I want you to know that this whole time I have been waiting for you to realize that she will never make you happy, someone else will. Today is November 6th and I want you to know that I still say I love you at night but you can't hear me anymore.