You're the pain to my happiness

I can always remember your anniversary. But it isn't the anniversary between two people who are in love. Yours anniversary is another year that you aren't here living. Another year you're not breathing in this smokey air.

You're not the only death I remember, but you are the only anniversary.

I have had people in my life pass away, friends that were "close." & as awful as this sounds I forget their yearly death mark. I always forget the exact date they stopped breathing. Your day is different. You day is on my day. Your death is mourned on the same day that my birth is celebrated.

& there is always a point in the day where I look into dad's eyes and see pain instead of happiness. You were part of his everything.

I was raised with you when I was little. I used to tell myself I hated you growing up. The words came up randomly when I got frustrated, and I'm sorry. Maybe you passed away on my birthday to teach me how to love or maybe how to forgive. Either way you taught me something.

& I thank you for that.

IOU

Today I thought about you, but that fact isn't any different from yesterday and it won't be any different from tomorrow. But today I saw someone you knew in high school. I started to imagine a life with him. He was your same height and had blue eyes. He was your opposite. You were the color black and he was white. I started to imagine kissing him, and I realized I can see myself with someone else.

But every imagined forehead kiss my eyes would flinch. I compared them to yours. I imagined him squeezing me while he gave me a hug, and again I thought of you. I can find someone else bub, but the truth is I don't want to. I want your hands squeezing mine when we know we shouldn't be laughing. I want your dumb jokes when I am pissed off. I want your forehead kisses and your hugs forever.

Hello mister please to meet ya

I want to write you a love letter or a love story where the characters would be us, but instead I'll write you a letter that only reads sadness between the lines. I'll write you my goodbye.


Hey Bubby,



I want you to know I wish you the best, and I hope you get the wife you've always dreamed of. I hope you get to name your son Kyro and your daughter Ana. I want you to hear the words "I love you" everyday for eternity, and maybe even the words "te quiero" every morning. I hope you wake up with a smile on your face and not a knife in your back.


Bryce I hope you know you're going to be a great dad. Teach your kids how to wrestle (and how to twist them like a pretzel.) Remember to teach them to rinse their dishes after they eat because "that just will not do" otherwise.


Let them know about that amazing stat girl you had your senior year, and how her name was Emma. Tell them how you fell in love with her and how you said all the right things at all the wrong times.


I hope you still think about me, because I do. I hope you wonder how I'm doing, and I hope you realize that the answer isn't all that great lately. I hope you miss my body next to yours, and I hope you miss all the random smiles I would get on our car rides.


I just want you to know I wish you the best. I want you to know I smile when I look up at the sky and think of you. I was always so rarrr and you managed to look at me straight in the eyes with the words I love you leaving your mouth.


I love you.


Love,
Emmita

XOXO

I keep reading about the taste that his lips give her and I can't remember tasting your lips. But I can remember the feeling of your hands pressed against my skin when your lips finally intertwined with mine.