Somethings you think but never say

Here is your Christmas present. I want you to put it on every time you feel like you're falling in love. Then I want you to remember you can't because you're too afraid and too scared to let go of her. I want you to look at it and realize how many hearts you've broke before she's finally broken yours.

Farewell

I was in a dark purple dress. I had black tights and black wedges on. The dress was short and I decided to straighten my hair.

You had on a grey sweater. You were wearing a white shirt underneath with a goofy Christmas tie. You gave me butterflies every time we made eye contact.

I wanted to say I love you but you were across the room and for a second I forgot you weren't mine anymore. I forgot about how I couldn't hold your hand and how I couldn't hug you just because I wanted to. Man you looked good.

& I'm always bad at poetry once I'm happy. But you kissed me. First you said I hate you though. You were smiling while you said it and laughing a little. Then you touched me like you used to. Placing your hands in perfect positions and making me remember what it feels like to really love and not just dream. My stomach dropped and I looked at you then looked back down. My forehead was on your chin and you kissed my head and I missed every I love you we ever shared. I was happy again. I couldn't hide my smile, even though I wanted to. I wanted to scream to the world I love you but instead we exchanged I like you's.

I love you Bryce

& this is my way of screaming it to the world.

Love: an intense feeling of deep affection

I was thinking back to the day you smiled at me, then looked up and looked back down. It was the day you said "Babe I love you."

I went back to the exact same spot the other day. I went with a couple of friends and my brother. It wasn't the same, if you were wondering. I closed my eyes for a second and imagined you there. I thought back to how the night seemed so perfect and how my stomach dropped because I imagined you on one knee. I just kissed you and you smiled.

I never said it back right away, but I said it back when you were dropping me off. You looked me in the eye and said something you wanted for your kids. I remember just grabbing the sides of your faces and saying "I freaking love you."

And incase you were wondering, ever "I love you" I meant. Ever kiss made me smile. Every hug made me want it forever.

This is a note for the next one.

He loves when you hold his right hand with your left. He loves to interlock his fingers with yours. He loves when you kiss him first and when you kiss his ear. He loves when you smile at him. He loves kids. He loves the idea of being a dad. He loves the stars. & he loves his music. He loves even numbers and multiples of 5. He loves Mountain Dew. He loves when you hug him back and he loves when you trace his lips with your fingers. He loves you.

November 26th 2013

We saw each other the other night and you tried to kiss me but I pushed you away and I am sorry. I regret it. What if things would of been "us" right now rather than just "me" and "you."

I am sorry Bryce. I'm sorry for not letting you hold my hand and not letting you hug me. I'm sorry for saying I hate you. I didn't mean it. I promise I love you and I promise I want you in my life. I want you forever. Gosh, I don't know why I was so stupid that night. I didn't mean it when I said I hate you. 

Bryce "I say I hate you because I know how much I love you."

I guess you could say I miss him.

What do you miss about him?

Well, I miss all his stupid tantrums. I miss his smile. I miss his hands in mine. I miss the way he hugged me. I miss all the teasing. I miss the idea of infinite. Oh, and I miss all his kisses. I miss the way he would sing and sometimes get the lyrics wrong. I miss looking at him and just thinking "Wow, I love him." I miss everything about him.

Is wasn't that simple

"But Emma do you love him?"
The answer was simple, yes. Yes, of course I love him.

I love his dark skin that seems perfect when it's next to mine.
I love his rough hands.
I love how he would grab me.
I love his unique whistle that helped me fall in love.
I love him.
I love his kisses and how they made me believe that this was right.
I love the way he looks at me.
I love when he smiles for, what seems to be, absolutely no reason.
I love his lips and how they would touch my lips, my forehead, and my hands.
I love him.
I love the random surprises.
I love his beard.
I love his dark hair that was so easy to play with.

"Yes."

Come here Emma.

I thought I heard your whistle the other day. & for some reason it reminded me of how much I love you. It's the whistle that no one would think twice about, but it's the one that makes my heart stop. You used it to get my attention like when I was across the store lost in all the options I had. Sometimes you just wanted me to look up at you, or when you wanted to see me smile. It's the sound that plays over and over again in the back of my mind. It's a whistle that helped me fall in love with you, kind of like your laugh. I swear I hear both somedays and it kills me to look up and realize you're not there.

I loved you yesterday. I love you today. & I will love you tomorrow.

I want to write you the best love poem.

I want to kiss your body.

I want to make you proud.

I want you to miss me. 

I want "you and me" to last forever but it doesn't even exist anymore.

I want you to realize that I have thought about you everyday since our heads got too confused and we decided to end it. 

I want you to know that a girl who is 5 foot 2 loves you.

I want you to look into my eyes the way the annoying couple walking down the hall holding hands do.

I want your love. 

I want your darkly colored skin holding my hands. 

I want your lips in mine.

November 25th 2013

I decided to see him yesterday. It was amazing and terrible. I wanted to ask him why it had to end. We still miss each other, we still care about each other. It is stupid really. I was only suppose to go with big bird no one else was suppose to come along, but I guess he was already with him. I told myself to just do it, go for it. Hang out with him and things will be fine, I could't look him in the eyes much. I didn't want to look him in the eyes. I wanted to just kiss him and smile in between.

We went to go grab food. When I saw him I wasn't hungry anymore. I only wanted lemonade and he said, "You always want lemonade." He gave me his cup and I filled it up with lemonade, but for some reason I hated this lemonade. I tried to be as normal as I could. We went to a store after. He tried on a shirt and I loved it on him, and at that exact moment I thought of us kissing. I don't know why I would think that though. We both know it wouldn't have happened.

(2) Facebook

He is talking to me again. I don't know why, but he is. I can't tell if he misses me or if he just needs someone to fill the hole I did before. Right now my heart keeps dropping because we are online and I can't have this whole "friends" thing. I don't know what to say. Do I try and make him miss me or do I act like a brat because I am trying to hide my feelings?

♡

The other day someone asked me if I missed you. I smiled then looked back and answered yes.

Depression with a happy girl.

& then we'll be sitting on the beach and he will turn to me. & I don't know if he will mean it, but he'll whisper he loves me. & I will look at him and I'll hope that "us" will last forever, but I won't say the three words back because I'll just be listening.

Listening to all the waves and the lies people keep telling me. & so then I'll just kiss him without saying a word. I'll look into his eyes where they say it's the window to someone souls. & I'll have to remind myself that there was nothing. & how there will always be absolutely nothing.

Bubble wrap and heartbreak.

Because you will tell yourself your only goal is to try and figure her out. You'll tell her all you want is to see her smile. But once you're done poking all her bubbles you'll figure her out. & move onto the next one.
Because what's the point of the bubble wrap when you've already popped the bubbles.

TITLE

I have never seen his bad side, but

I have seen his grumpy nights where all I can do is kiss him. I have seen his gross after work days where he has been sweating for 8 hours and I would kiss his body if I could.


I want us to be forever. I want to look at you and you kiss me with the knowledge of infinity. We would start a family and we would name our son Kyro. You always loved that name. I want Leo, but maybe we can have two boys or 7 with 9 girls. We would think of the names together because before we started dating you said you wanted to help with naming your kids.


I want you forever but sometimes my mind wonders if I deserve you.

The bird's conversation

"I hate you."

"Why?"

"Because ever since you told me Emma misses me I can't stop thinking about her."

++++

I opened my eyes when I kissed you.

KBB

& as sad as this sounds, I still wear a ring around my finger. The one on the left hand that means something to most people.

I take it off every night to remind myself of the nights we used to kiss goodbye, and I put it on every morning to remind myself that it didn't happen.

"There is only one piece left to finish the puzzle"

And then I started talking to her like she was my own mother but she wasn't because I knew she would never feed me food out of a bottle. She wouldn't hug me while I was crying, but I had to hear her. I had to listen to her because every time I talked to her it was like she knew all the answers.

& the next thing she said was "he can't miss you if you are right in front of them." My mind started working and my heart stopped. I didn't want to think about him, I didn't want to think that there is a chance he is thinking about me too. I would be better off thinking he hates me. It's how I have always been, and people can't understand it. 

But she was right and I couldn't deny it. I wanted him to miss me. I wanted her to experience all this for me because she always seem to know what to tell me. I wanted to have him see me one day at the mall unexpectedly and I wanted him to miss me. I wanted him to fall in love with me again. I wanted to see him and have him want just me and no one else. 

& then that night he decides to talk to me. How can I make him miss me if I am the one who can't stop missing him.

I can't make you miss me. I don't know how to because every time we get the chance to talk I act moody and I can't help it because it is the only way to hide my emotions. I don't want you to see my face because I don't feel comfortable in feeling beautiful. Am I suppose to tell you how I feel or am I suppose to pretend nothing ever happened between us.

"Tell me how to make him miss me?"

But I only asked the question in my head this time because I was too scared of what the answer might be. I am better off not knowing and people can't understand that.

This is the letter

I am convinced we will get back together.




& when we do I will show you all the things I wrote about that was describing you. I will show you that this whole time I was still stuck on you. I will let you read all about my heart breaking inside and about all the confusion I had with the word love. I will let you understand everything. I will let you know that I still haven't been on one date, it has been 1 month though. I still think about you all the time. I wish to talk to you almost every day. & when I finally do, I want you to believe I am mad at you. I still don't understand why I always want that. I want you to know that this whole time I have been waiting for you to realize that she will never make you happy, someone else will. Today is November 6th and I want you to know that I still say I love you at night but you can't hear me anymore.

I refuse to be Pinocchio with the giant nose

I won't lie anymore...
I miss him and some nights all I want is his body laying next to mine. Just fall asleep with me. We wouldn't go to second base of third. We would fall asleep looking at each others eyes, wanting this forever.

I just want you. I want to stop thinking about you because I think about you like crazy. When I walk down the halls I think about your hand in mine and us walking down the hall together, I convinced myself one day it would happen. I tell myself that I hate you, but you can only hate someone when you love them.

I wish we could start over because even though I don't regret ever falling for you I regret being with you.

I am sorry for all the sad days you had and for all the days I made them even worse. I hope you convinced yourself I wasn't all that bad, I hope you still are trying to convice yourself you forgot about her and that you only want to spend forever with me. That wouldn't be fair to us though. Not for you or me.

I just miss you & I miss all the stupid love songs you would sing to me in the car. I miss the random surprises that would get my heart racing. I miss the butterflies in my stomach when you would kiss me anywhere other than my lips.

But the world keeps telling me it will all be alright and I keep trusting it.

They'll tell you "you'll know"

I asked my boss today how she knew she was in love. & she said as cliche as this sounds, when you know. You know. It is when you can't go 5 seconds without them because you want them with you forever.

I didn't know what to say and she looked at me and said Em, you'll know.

But then I thought about it. What if every person thought they knew because in that moment they felt like they wanted each other forever. Only in that moment though, because only later on in life you realize that you were too dumb or too naive to understand. I will convince myself into love. I will tell myself that happiness can exist with anyone. It is something I think I will always believe, so when will I know. When will the heartbreaks stop happening and the life together begin. I don't understand how a person knows what love is when they've never felt heartbreak. How do you know you're in love. Because you got that feeling of I know "I know." You could be wrong. We all could be. I could be happy with him. I could have a fairytale life and to me it would be the happiness I always wanted  because how would I know otherwise?


How would you know that you didn't know because you think you're in love. I thought I was. I told myself I would scream it to the world if I could. I would yell at the top of my lungs that I loved you, but did I? Because everyone keeps telling me that when you question love, you never felt it. But I thought I did. I thought I wanted this forever. I know I wanted it forever.


but

My mind is beginning to ask itself "is love something that people really feel or is it an idea our minds create"

I keep telling myself to smile

I don't know what "happiness" is anymore.

College changed all the real smiles I used to give to people. 

I don't know what happened or why it changed so much, but it did.

I cry more than all of middle school combined, that's easy though. I told myself to never cry in front of anyone only if you really had to when I was younger. I was so afraid to, but now everyday my mom will ask me if I'm okay. & I'll always answer yes but I never mean it. I don't know how to be happy for myself right now and I am not comfortable with the idea of complete happiness.


It isn't society that is killing me. It's myself.

"I hope one day you can look at me and say the words I love you and mean it 100%"

I guess I'll stop pretending that I never fell for you.


Because we both know I did. The long car rides to that one song that we both loved on our first date. Take me Higher. The same song we listened to heading back home from Park City. I remember catching you looking at me and you didn't say anything you just pushed my hand on your lips and kissed it. You were driving and you didn't care if you weren't looking at the road because you "could look at that smile forever."
 Then you smiled and it wasn't some cliche smile you give to the camera when the photographer tells you to say cheese, it was one where I thought you felt the same. It's how I fell in love. Through the car rides and having the music playing at volume 30, because you couldn't stand the 1's the 3's or the 7's and 9's. The music wasn't getting louder but it was getting deeper. The words you said was what I wanted forever, but everyone kept telling me it was too soon.

I didn't care. I didn't listen.

I fell in love with you and then you said the words I always wanted to hear.




"Babe. I love you."




& at that moment I couldn't say it back. I waited to let you know, and then we waited to cut it off. I don't regret ever falling for you though. You made me feel like I was on cloud nine. The way you would whistle and just push my hair back. How you would always buy me lemonade because you knew I loved it, I still don't know why I love it so much. I will always love the way you would grab my face when you were about to kiss me. I will always love the ability to say I have kissed in the rain and not the snow this time.
"Do you remember what you said about hating the rain on our first date?"
"No..."
"You said you always hated how it would rain because you had no one to kiss."

Then we were outside and it wasn't pouring but at that moment I didn't care because you kissed me and I knew exactly why you did at that moment.






"What do you love about me?"
"I love that you love me."

"Hey QT"

I want to forget about the way you smiled right before you kissed me. The way you would look at me and your face would light up for no reason it seemed. You always said you hated smiling and that you never would, but you always did without ever realizing. At the park when we were on the bench, in the middle of a car ride when we were holding hands, across the store when I was so indecisive on what shirt would look good and what type of candy I wanted. 

Thank you for everything.

Math and Beauty

I wonder if people look at me and every think oh, she's beautiful. I wonder if one day I will meet a man and he will be speechless because he hasn't ever seen anyone like me. I want someone to have the first impression of wow, she is beautiful, maybe even flawless but I know that is pushing the limits to a one sided function.

Function.

Math.

I wish someone would actually care for intelligence. I know how to find the volume of a rotating solid and somehow in high school the dumb ones are the most wanted, and the "I will actually be someone" are never noticed. The ones with the imperfect face and the ones with the eyes just perfect distance apart. Why is "beautiful" a gap between your legs.  & no it can't be a centimeter apart it has to be 1 inch and 4.67 cm.

I will always hate how "beautiful" is society's own equation that can't be defined.

It was a little thing called Cancer

"Sorry if I get emotional..."
     In my heart I snickered.
     I didn't understand why she said it or why it would ever mean that much, but then she poured out her heart... She let us know that she lost her best friend that year. It wasn't because of a drug overdose or a suicidal call.
It was this little thing they called cancer.
No one really understood why it happened or what the cause was. Some people wondered if the bruises her daddy gave her clogged up her system. There were rumours it was the drugs she did in her car inbetween 1st and 2nd. No one really knew what cancer was so they made their own diagnostics. I wish they knew it was were the white cells get attacked by the red cells.

Beautiful

He said, "I'm sorry little child, you're always going to be beautiful."

Love isn't real.

I am suppose to be thinking about him.
     but I was thinking about you yet I was dreaming about him.


"The brain plays tricks when it comes to love."

Sorry

The truth is, even if you try your hardest or your best you still won't always make it.

You still might end up never reaching your own bar of perfect. 

"I want someone to break your heart, but I hope someone else fixes it."

I have papers scattered around my room and inside my head. They're things that actually mean something. Like that one song I listened to while falling in love with you. The two lines that someone would call pointless but others would call poetry. 

I don't know how to write anymore. I don't know how to live or how to love. Do we always have to go through the heartbreak. I never remember wanting this. I never wanted to fall in love with you but you are the one who pushed it, the one who said "I love you" first.

I kissed you first,

        but you kissed me back. 

I think you gave the first hug. 

You initiated the first conversation. 

You made me fall in love when I didn't want to. 

Darling, you're eyes are made up of sadness.

Right now at this very moment I don't want to say that I'm living.
I want the world to think that I am gone.
I don't want to say that I am alive through the biggest heartbreak, but it is weird because he didn't really end it.

All he did was tell me he still loves her but at the same time can look me in the eye and say that he loves me.



He'll look at me.



Then he'll smile.



& say Emma I love you, but how can someone love two people the same way?
Love isn't suppose to make you believe you're happy.
Love makes you happy.
& if I died right now I know life would go on for the people who love me.


Life always goes on for others.

Society doesn't kill everyone

From the first glance, you can tell something's different.
You can tell something inside them is different and it's beautiful.
You can tell by the background on their blogs and by the way they write every line.
You admire me.
I admire you.
You're the people who inside want to leave and on the outside are too laid back to ever let anyone know.
I think you're beautiful.

Kiss me

Kiss me. & when you do I want your hands to shake like you were nervous for the first time. The way you would keep that smile the moment I would open my eyes or zone back in. Kiss me like you were going to lose me. Put your hands up to my cheeks and tell me I am extraordinary. I don't need the cliche whisper of I am beautiful but maybe the cliche of I love you. Make me think that this will last forever because I know nothing ever does.

"What is love"

Somedays you just have to tell yourself you're in love even though you know you're only settling.

The Dream

I had this funny dream the other day. It was hilarious. I had a dream that I actually meant something to someone. That all these words I write are actually read, and oh there was this part where he told me he loved me. He screamed it to the world and it almost seemed real and possible, but then I remembered "love only existed in fairytales"

As the leaves fall, the children die.

He said I want you to write about someone. Someone you've lost. & if you haven't lost anyone, you will. Maybe it will be the girl you used to sit by everyday at work. Or a classmate. Maybe it will be a gym teacher, a principal, a family member.
Maybe it is your own brother, who wasn't all that great when you were growing up. Who hurt you in ways you weren't thinking at the time. In the ways that helped you realize the word innonce that was given to a child. I want you to write about someone who passed away on your birthday of Sophomore year. It was the first year of high school. Someone who made you feel guilty because someone days you would whisper I hate you in the air.

Write about your school friend. The one that everyone thought overdosed, but really he was just choking, wanting some air. Write about how he would call you beautiful and the laugh that stills lingers around the back of head. Write about the way he used to have your back and spit our words that your boyfriend was "thinking" of.
He said I want you to write about someone.

YOU HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT SOMEONE. 

So I did.

I never knew her

Even though I didn't know you, you're still another body dead. You're still one more person that people are crying over. & I bet it hurts to see the people's lives go on. & no I am not going to saying you were my favorite because what's a favorite color if there was only blue. I'll just say that you were beautiful. You were different and I liked that about you.

#00000

It's funny how the colors on our paper are more real than what you put on.

He told me...

Even dreams have to be realistic..

The Stage and The Lights.

I told myself I needed a Mic
But when I got one I was too afraid to use one
I told myself slamming would be the only thing I was doing
But right now I can hear my voice shake and I can feel my palms sweat
Yeah, right now I wish I was Dr Phil before you all used to know that.
Right now I wish I was a little bit more inspired,
Right now I just want to say thank you.
Thank you Mr Nelson and creative writing.

Emma Alcazar